By:
Bryan Redfield
The following question was sent in to Bryan for dating
and relationship advice. Bryan is the creator of The
Redfield System, a proven relationship system that teaches
you how to find, meet and date that 'someone special'.
This column was posted on Nov 1, 2001
Question:
How do you feel about touching on the first date, such as
holding hands? I know the power of touch increases attraction,
but is holding hands too much on a first or second date? I
don't want to attempt it too soon, make her uncomfortable
and blow it. Thanks.
Answer:
Let me answer you this way. Most people date in reverse: They
spend all their time going on a romantic date. The guys think
the goal of the date is to get the woman in bed. The women
think the goal is to get the guy to spend a lot of money.
He gauges the date on how close he got to having sex. She
gauges the date on where they went, what gifts he bought (flowers,
candy, etc.), how much they cost and how much money was spent
the whole night.
When the relationship doesn't work out, and it rarely
does under those conditions, they each blame the other person.
Then, rather than change their tactics, they just change
dating partners and go through the process indefinitely.
To be more successful on the first few dates, concentrate
on friendship rather than romance. You can add romance to
friendship but it's more difficult to add friendship to
romance.
On the first few dates you really don't know each other
very well so to include romance could make her feel uncomfortable.
Just that you've asked her out let's her know you're romantically
attracted to her and, if all else works out, you'd like
to have romance on one level or another, sooner or later.
The first date is designed to help you get to know each
other better. It's designed to help you set up the foundation
of a relationship you hope will include romance if everything
else works out.
If you ever get romantic with each other (on any level),
the when, where, how and why is determined by both of you,
not by you alone. To push yourself on her, before she's
ready, will just end the relationship.
To give you a set time and place with ideal conditions
to start holding hands is impossible. It depends on the
man, the woman, the location, how long you've been going
out and how you both feel about each other.
It also depends on how strongly attracted to each other
you are. Hopefully, the attraction will grow the more time
you spend with each other.
An outgoing woman who is strongly attracted to you is
going to have no resistance to holding your hand in public
on the first few dates. But a shy woman who is moderately
attracted to you would get very uncomfortable. That's just
common sense. But it also demonstrates why you're going
to have to deal with the hand holding issue on a woman to
woman basis.
Holding hands is too much of a "we're a couple" thing
for your first date. In the beginning, on your first few
dates, you're not a couple. You're two people trying to
get to know each other. Once you've both decided you're
a couple, holding hands is okay. Again, it's a decision
you both make.
There comes a point in the relationship where the woman
will feel safe with you romantically and, if she wants the
relationship to progress in that area, she will give you
the encouragement to touch her.
In the mean time, there is nothing wrong with letting
her know, in a nice way, you like touching her and then
allowing her to respond one way or the other. How do you
do that? And how do you do it with class, style and dignity?
I teach my students I've yet to meet the woman who doesn't
like to be treated with respect. Part of treating her with
respect is treating her like a lady. That means opening
doors for her. The door to your car, the door to a building,
and so on.
Next, opening a door for a woman gives you the perfect
opportunity to gently guide her toward the door by putting
your hand on her back. How does she respond to your touch?
Does she relax or does she get tense? If she relaxes and
smiles, you know it's okay. If she gets tense, you're going
too fast.
Unfortunately, the only way you're going to find out is
if you try it. If she doesn't respect the fact that you're
being a gentleman about it, then perhaps you're with the
wrong woman.
When you open a door for her, no words are spoken but
it gives the impression of a couple. If she's not interested
in being your girlfriend, she will feel uncomfortable when
you open doors for her and you'll feel it.
Some people are openly affectionate, others don't like
to display any form of physical affection publicly. It all
depends on the person. Study her behavior: When she interacts
with people, does she like to touch them or does she keep
to herself? When you touch her, does she touch you back
or does she just sit there doing nothing?
Another thing you can do is, if she's wearing a ring on
her finger, say, "That's a nice ring. May I look at it?"
Then see what she does. If she puts her hand in your hand,
she's letting you know it's okay to touch her. If she takes
the ring off her finger and hands it to you, it means either
she doesn't want you to touch her or she's totally inexperienced
with men.
A woman who wants you to touch her is going to make it
very easy for you to do so. And a woman who doesn't want
you to touch her is going to make it difficult for you to
do so.
Don't rush the relationship, don't rush the intimacy.
Let it grow by both of you adding to it.
