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She cheats and lies but I still love her, can you help me?

Question:

I’ve been in an off an on relationship with a girl that I’ve known since she was 15 years old and romantically involved only for the past four years. This girl has a six year old daughter. The daughter’s father is very active in their life. He’s over on a daily basis, but there’s no intimate involvement with the mother. We have all stayed in the same house in the past and she sleeps with me and he stays on the coach. This is not the problem.

She cheated on me very early into the commited relationship and hid it from me.

She cheated on me very early into the commited relationship and hid it from me, it happened about three years ago. Ive been told by many people that she screws around behind my back really bad. There have been times where her flirting in front of me with other men was bad, when I opened my mouth about it, we always argued, but made up. once we split up for about two months she started screwing an old friend of mine within a week. For the two months, I was hurt, jealous, scared, upset and I didnt know what to do. I was very upset. The guy friend came to talk to me about it, saying he didnt realize what she was up to, and he left the relationship. She eventually contacted me, and one thing led to another and we were back in the saddle again.

Well then february, we got engaged, (cause I really love her) and she was as excited as I was. Anyway, it once again turned to shit, she plays pool and frequents a bar often, and hooked up with someone else that I was actually introduced to as a just a friend of hers.

Well needless to say I could sense her pulling away. I tried talking to her about it, it started arguments any time I brought it up. I was accused of being over protective, over jealous, and trying to control her from having men friends. She gave me my ring back in a fit of rage, and started dating this other guy (mind you this is guy #3 now). Ive been told there have been many more. I tried calling her several times, and the more I called the more bullshit she got. BUT she kept on telling me she loved me very much and misses me, but she just cant put up with jealousy crap. Well I’ve never been overjealous until she cheated on me way back in the beginning, and told me they were just friends. Mid april 2000 I severed all ties, strted going out on my Harley, and having a good time. I found that I was liked by a lot of women. After about 25 days of not speaking to the X she started calling me. The more I ignored her the more she called until finally she wormed her way right back into the relationship with me. I said under one condition, that she stop going to that bar where she was involved with other men. The other men still frequent the place. I had a great summer with her until september, she states she was going out with her girlfriend, but went to the bar instead.

I yelled at her about a lot of nasty stuff. I felt like I was slapped in the face. I showed her a fantastic summer and she has left me now once again, and I’m more heartbroken now than ever. I’m almost shaking while I’m writing this.

Anyway, she now says again to me that she is in love with me, missies me but when i asked her back out her answer was I dont know. Then I ask if I can call her she says she will call me. I want to be with her, but all i get is I dont know. So what do I do? Do I wait for a call? I’m very confused. Can you help?

Answer:

I understand your pain. I understand your frustration. And I understand your anger.

My main three questions to you are: 1) Why do you want a steady diet of this? 2) Why do you keep going back for more? And 3) What more does she have to do before you get the message that all you’re in for is long term pain with temporary periods of pleasure designed to keep you hooked? You claim you put up with this "cause i really love her". What’s there to love? The way she treats you like garbage?

The entire time you’ve been involved with her romantically she has been consistent in that she’s lied, cheated, intentionally hurt you, and walked away from you when you need her. On the other hand, based on your letter, you’ve played it straight. You’ve been honest, up front, caring, and giving. You’ve given her everything she wanted. You haven’t lied to her or cheated on her.

Do you really believe her behavior will change just because you’re married to her? Just because you want her to? Just because, by your value system, she’s supposed to?

What is a healthy, successful marriage based on? Mutual respect, honesty, communication and trust. Without all four of those ingredients a marriage can not last. And she didn’t strike out in one area, she struck out in all four. The only time she gives them to you is when she wants something. And then she gives them to you in small doses, with lots of conditions attached. When she has what she wants, she disappears until she wants something from you again.

She is a classic Taker. You are a classic Giver. She’s selfish and self centered. She lies and cheats. Yet you keep going back for more. Why? Let me guess: She’s a fox and the sex is great... when she gives it to you.

I’m not sure what you want help with. Getting her back or walking away?

Getting her back, changing her into what you want, making her love you and play by your value system is what you really want from her. Let me set your mind at ease. And let me tell this to you as gently as I can: IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

You say you’re in love with this woman. What, specifically, are you in love with? The way she treats you? The way she lies to you? The way she cheats on you and rubs it in your face? The way she ignores your needs, wants and desires for some genuine love and a healthy relationship? Based on your letter, this is what she gives you. And by staying involved with her, this is what you’re asking for in a long term relationship with her. You can bitch and complain to her about her behavior all you want. The bottom line is you put up with it. What are you really getting out of this relationship that you miss so much?

If you told me you were extremely involved with a woman emotionally, and occasionally sexually, I’d say you have a more accurate evaluation of the situation. If you told me she is basically a Taker who shows up when she needs something, who really doesn’t care about you, who is selfish and self centered, who tells you she loves you and has sex with you just to string you along, I’d agree with you.

If you to tell me you’re in love with this kind of treatment, well, then I have to question your sanity.

So what’s the attraction? What makes you keep coming back for more like a drug addict to a pusher? Let me guess: The sex is great... when she gives it to you. Which is when she wants something from you.

Whether you realize it or not, she’s really doing you a favor because she is giving you a taste of what to expect in the long run. And if you think this pain is bad, it’s just the beginning. The real nightmare will begin after you get married to her. Then you’ll be forced to wake up and look at reality. It won’t be pretty and it will be crammed down your throat. At what point will you give up? That depends on how much pain you have to go through before you decide to learn the lesson.

Based on her behavior, your girlfriend’s philosophy is that men are to be used, abused and strung along until there’s nothing left to take, then dropped. Is this the part you’re in love with? I don’t think so. Rather, you’re in love with the sex and the emotional stroking she gives you when she wants something.

You think her attitude and behavior will change once you’re married to her? The only two things that will change are it will hurt more because you’re playing by the rules and she isn’t. And you’ll be legally responsible for her, which means when you get divorced you’ll have to pay alimony.

What puzzles me is why you want a steady diet of this. And you must want it because you keep going back for more.

Take away the great sex and the emotional pleasure and what’s there to love? I can tell from your letter you don’t have any respect for this woman and, based on her behavior, I can’t blame you.

I teach all of my students that the bottom line in any relationship is respect. If you don’t have mutual respect there is no relationship, only varying degrees of abuse.

What do you plan to get out of this marriage that you aren’t getting now? Love, Loyalty? If she can’t give it to you now, willingly, of her own choice, what makes you think a marriage certificate will force her to abide but the rules she clearly rejects, unless it’s to her advantage?

So what do you do? You have a choice to make. If you want her back you’ll have to continue with a steady diet of this abuse indefinitely. Or you can reclaim your self respect, walk away with your integrity, and find someone who can appreciate what you have to offer.

Life is too short to settle for this kind of abuse. Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.

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