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A married man wanted to have love affair with me but I’m not interested...

Question:

I’m a married woman in my late thirties. A married man wanted to have love affair with me but I’m not interested, this has been going on for a couple of years. I’ve told him that I’ve no interest in having a relationship as such, but he is very persistence about it. What shall I do?

Thanks.

Answer:

You didn’t give me any background information as to where you see this man (at work? a next door neighbor? etc.). I’ll assume, since you seem to run into him on a regular basis, it’s either at work or he’s a neighbor. If he isn’t one of those two, simple avoidance will solve the problem.

Let’s look at the information you gave me about him and what it means.

First, he’s married.

Second, he fools around, or wants to fool around, on his wife.

And third, you’ve told him repeatedly you’re not interested in having a love affair with him.

What this tells me about him is either he’s not very happily married or he has an open relationship with his wife and she fools around on him, too. Whatever the case, that’s not our concern.

The important issue here is you’ve told him in a non-flirtatious manner you’re not interested in having sex with him and he won’t accept your answer. This tells me he has very little respect for women he wants to have sex with and, in this case, for you. And that’s really the only piece of information you need to solve this problem.

You’ve tried to treat him like a gentleman. It hasn’t worked. Now it’s time to speak with him in a language he understands without compromising your dignity or your integrity.

...let your husband know, no matter what happens, you’re honestly not interested in this guy and you don’t want to jeopardize your marriage.

First, talk this out with your husband. This has gone on long enough. He should be informed as to what’s going on. Ask him what he thinks you should do. It will let your husband know, no matter what happens, you’re honestly not interested in this guy and you don’t want to jeopardize your marriage. So if the other man (to keep this simple, let’s call him Jack) tries to say you were the aggressor (which is highly likely) you’ll have all your bases covered.

Second, after talking it over with your husband, the next time you run into Jack and he makes a pass at you, tell him, "Jack, I’ve told you nicely several times I’m a happily married woman and I’m not interested in having sex with you. What do I have to say, what do I have to do, to get the message through to you?" Then see what he says. His answer will let you know what course of action to take.

Depending on his answer, here are some options you can select from:

1. Get his last name, look up his phone number, and call his wife. Tell her the situation and ask her what she suggests you do. Have your husband listening on the extension phone, unknown to her. Also record the call so you can have a record of it for future reference - it’s better to have it and not need it than find out later it would have helped. Tell her you’ll set up a date with Jack in a restaurant and she can come in after you’re in the restaurant with him so she can see for herself. If his number is unlisted, contact a Search Group that specializes in locating people (there are lots of them listed on the internet. Just use your favorite search engine). For a few dollars you can easily get his home number and address. If you go to a restaurant, have your husband (unknown to Jack or his wife) come in a moment after you do and get a table in the area of your table with Jack. Since Jack and his wife won’t know who your husband is, he can casually keep an eye on the situation in case it gets out of hand.
2. If Jack is your boss and he doesn’t own the company, go to his boss. Sit down and explain the situation to him and get his feedback. If you’re a secretary and he’s a power broker lawyer, you’re fighting a losing battle. Go find another job. Your happiness, self respect and dignity are what’s important, not your paycheck.
3. If Jack owns the company, talk with a woman connected to sexual harassment in your town. These organizations offer help for free. To find someone like that, go to your local library and speak with the Reference Librarian. Explain your situation to her without going into detail. For example, say, "I have a female friend who is getting sexually harassed at work. I’m looking for a group that can offer her legal advice. Where do I find such a group?" She will be able to put you in touch with the right people.
4. If the harassment is bad enough, and it’s at work, you can sue the establishment for every penny they’re worth.
5. If Jack is a neighbor, you can get a restraining order against him and force him to leave you alone.

Before you say, "I don’t want it to come to this" I will tell you it already has. The longer you put this off, the more you compromise your self respect and the more you give Jack the message his behavior is okay.

As I teach my students: You need to ask yourself what is more important: Your self respect or compromising your dignity and integrity to pacify the weak ego of someone who wants to abuse you?

Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of CyberDating.net, it's staff or management. This free advice is for entertainment purposes only.