CyberDating ~ Free Dating and Relationship Advice!

Is it love, or just sex, and how can you tell?

Question:

How can I understand the behaviour of my boyfriend, whether he wants me only for sex or to develop a serious love relationship?

Answer:

I teach my students a simple process to find out what their relationship is based on, friendship, romance, sex, etc. Here it is. Ask yourself: "When we get together, what do we spend our time doing?"

The answer to that question will give you all the information you need to decide what your relationship is based on. A friendly warning: This process will give you the truth about your relationship. It may not be what you want to hear but it will give you the truth.

Here’s what I mean: If every time you get together it’s traditional dating, which is romance and sex, then that’s what your relationship is based on, romance and sex. That doesn’t necessarily include friendship.

What do I mean by "traditional dating"? In a traditional date the guy picks up the woman, drives her to the date, spends as much money as he can afford for dinner, a show, dancing and drinks, etc., giving her as much romance as he knows how. Then, at the end of the date, she has sex with him. Why? Because he’s followed the recipe to get her to have sex with him.

What is that recipe? He "puts out" financially the entire evening, doing his best to put her in a position of feeling obligated to him so she’ll "put out" and have sex with him at the end of the date.

He spends the whole night trying to get her "in the mood" so she will say yes at the end of the night. Everything he says, everything he does, is geared toward that end. He’s nice, kind, polite, well dressed, friendly and attentive. Then, at the end of the night, she "pays him back" for the nice time by having sex with him. That’s traditional dating. The man supplies the money and the woman supplies the sex. Sex is her "reward" for his taking her out on the town and showing her a nice time.

Both parties fail to realize traditional dating is a trade off, the man supplies the money and the woman supplies the sex.

If that’s the pattern of your relationship with your boyfriend, how do you break that pattern? How do you find out if your boyfriend is only interested in you for sex? How do you find out if all the time, money and energy he spends on you is just to put you in a position of feeling obligated to him? If you’re the guy, how do you find out if she’s only interested in you for the places you take her and the money you spend on her? And how do you find all of these things out with class, style and dignity?

The most effective solution is deceptively simple. I teach my students to get together in the daytime occasionally where sex and spending money are not options. It forces you to relate with each other as people so a true friendship can develop. You will find out very quickly what the other person wants to base the relationship on.

We all have needs for honest, non sexual communication with the person we’re romantically involved with. We need to know we’re accepted as a whole person. Just because you need it doesn’t mean the other person is capable of giving it to you. Women need to know there’s more to the relationship than just servicing his sexual needs. Men need to know they aren’t there just as an entertainment ticket footing all the bills.

...tell your boyfriend you just want to get together to enjoy his company on a non sexual level.

How can you apply this to your boyfriend?

If you do have sex every time you get together, tell your boyfriend you just want to get together to enjoy his company on a non sexual level.

Say something like this to him, "Why don’t we get together in the daytime and have a picnic at the park or do something like that?" Then see what he says. If he’s disappointed or reluctant to do this on a regular basis, where you don’t have sex, you’ll know he’s more interested in the sex rather than a serious relationship.

Sit down with him and tell him honestly, without trying to make him feel guilty, "Sometimes I feel like you’re only interested in me for the sex and that you’re not interested in me as a person." See what he says. If he asks, "What do you mean?" Be prepared to tell him you’d like more of a long term relationship.

If "long term" to you means eventually getting married, you’d better tell him that. Why? Why waste your time and his? If you want to get married and he doesn’t, you’re relationship won’t work out. Eventually and ultimately he will leave you. Then all the time you’ve invested in him will go out the window. Time you could have invested in other men.

In deciding what your relationship is based on, here are some things to consider: Do you ever get together during the daytime just to enjoy each other’s company on a non-sexual level? Do you ever just sit and talk about life, the problems each of you are having, career goals, life goals, and things like that? Or is every get together, and everything you do, just fun and games and a prelude to sex?

Please make this decision wisely.

One final note: If your boyfriend is only interested in you for sex, and you want something more, you’re wasting your time trying to change him. One of my favorite quotes applies here. It is as follows: "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it makes the pig angry."

Good luck and God Bless.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of CyberDating.net, it's staff or management. This free advice is for entertainment purposes only.