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How can she say she loves me, but is not with me...

Question:

I’ve been in an off an on relationship with a girl that I’ve known since she was 15 years old. Romaticly involved only over the past four years. The girl has a six year old daughter.

The daughters father is very active in their life, he’s over on a daily basis, but no intimate involvement. We have all stayed in the same house in the past and she sleeps with me and he stays on the coach. This is not the problem.

She cheated on me very early into a commited relationship and hid it from me. About three years ago. I’ve been told by many people that she screws around behind my back really bad. There have been times where her flirting in front of me with other men was bad, when I opened my mouth about it, we always argued, but made up.

Once we split up for about two months she started fucking an old friend of mine within a week, for the two months, I was hurt, jealous, scared, upset, didnt know what to do. I was very upset. The guy friend came to talk to me about it, didnt relize what she was up to, and he left the relationship, she eventually contacted me, and one thing led to another and we were back in the saddle again.

Well then Feb., we got engaged, (cause I really love her) she was as excited as I, anyway, it once again turned to shit, she plays pool frequents a bar often, hooked up with someone else, that I was actully introduced to as a friend.

Well needless to say I could sence her pulling away, I tried talking to her about it, it started arguments any time I brought it up. I was acused of being over protective, over jealous, and trying to control her from having men friends.

Well she gave me my ring back in a fit of rage, and started dating this other guy. (mind you now this is guy 3) I’ve been told there has been many more. I tried calling her several times, and the more I called the more bullshit she got. But she kept on telling me she loved me very much, misses me, but cant put up with over jealousy crap. Well (I’ve never been over jealous until she cheated on me way back in the beginning, and told me they were just friends.

Mid April I severed all ties, started going out on my Harley, and having a good time. I found that I was liked by a lot of women. After about 25 days of not speaking to the X she started calling me, the more I ignored her the more she called, finally she wormed her way right back into the relationship with me, I said under one condition, she stopped going to that bar where she was involved with other men. The other men still frequent the place.

I had a great summer with her until Sept. 30. She staes she was going out with her girlfriend, where did she go, guess right to the bar she agreed not to go to. I blew my stack yelled about a lot of nasty stuff, I felt like I was slapped in the face. (I showed her a fantastic summer) she has left me now once again, and Im more heartbroken now than ever. Im almost shaking while im writing this. Anyway, she now says this to me, she is in love with me, misses me I asked her back out her answer is I dont know, then I ask if I can call her she says she will call me. she stopped over last sunday night to talk, and I got no where, I asked her this time right up front, I asked are you seeing anyone else, I would rather here it straight from you, then through the local umere mill. And believe me I’ll here it evenutally.

I want to be with her, I’m still in love, should I not call like she says. Does absenmce make her come to her sences. She got bullshit the other night when she found out I went clubbing. I want to be with her, but all I get write now is I dont know, she cant answer me write now. So what do I do? Do I wait for a call is she actually going to call. Do you think she is seeing someone else, her track record is bad? I cant prove it all but some I can.

If she finds out Im dating anyone else she may get even more pissed off at me, for not giving her time. How can she say she loves me, but is not with me. Im very confused I want some help that works. Can you help?

She is 28 years old, im 32. Im a leo she is gemini

Signed in love and confused.

Answer:

I understand your pain. I understand your frustration. And I understand your anger.

My main three questions to you are:

1. 1) Why do you want a steady diet of this?
2. 2) Why do you keep going back for more?
3. 3) What more does she have to do before you get the message that all you’re in for is long term pain with temporary periods of pleasure designed to keep you hooked?

You claim you put up with this "cause i really love her". What’s there to love? The way she treats you like garbage?

The entire time you’ve been involved with her romantically she has been consistent in that she’s lied, cheated, intentionally hurt you, and walked away from you when you need her.

On the other hand, based on your letter, you’ve played it straight. You’ve been honest, up front, caring, and giving. You’ve given her everything she wanted. You haven’t lied to her or cheated on her.

Do you really believe her behavior will change just because you’re married to her? Just because you want her to? Just because, by your value system, she’s supposed to?

What is a healthy, successful marriage based on? Mutual respect, honesty, communication and trust. Without all four of those ingredients a marriage can not last. And she didn’t strike out in one area, she struck out in all four. The only time she gives them to you is when she wants something. And then she gives them to you in small doses, with lots of conditions attached. When she has what she wants, she disappears until she wants something from you again.

She is a classic Taker. You are a classic Giver. She’s selfish and self centered. She lies and cheats. Yet you keep going back for more. Why? Let me guess: She’s beautiful and the sex is great... when she gives it to you.

I’m not sure what you want help with. Getting her back or walking away?

Getting her back, changing her into what you want, making her love you and play by your value system is what you really want from her. Let me set your mind at ease. And let me tell this to you as gently as I can: IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

You say you’re in love with this woman. What, specifically, are you in love with? The way she treats you? The way she lies to you? The way she cheats on you and rubs it in your face? The way she ignores your needs, wants and desires for some genuine love and a healthy relationship?

Based on your letter, this is what she gives you. And by staying involved with her, this is what you’re asking for in a long term relationship with her. You can bitch and complain to her about her behavior all you want. The bottom line is you put up with it.

What are you really getting out of this relationship that you miss so much?

If you told me you were extremely involved with a woman emotionally, and occasionally sexually, I’d say you have a more accurate evaluation of the situation. If you told me she is basically a Taker who shows up when she needs something, who really doesn’t care about you, who is selfish and self centered, who tells you she loves you and has sex with you just to string you along, I’d agree with you.

If you to tell me you’re in love with this kind of treatment, well, then I have to question your sanity.

What makes you keep coming back for more like a drug addict to a pusher?

So what’s the attraction? What makes you keep coming back for more like a drug addict to a pusher? Let me guess: The sex is great... when she gives it to you. Which is when she wants something from you.

Whether you realize it or not, she’s really doing you a favor because she is giving you a taste of what to expect in the long run. And if you think this pain is bad, it’s just the beginning. The real nightmare will begin after you get married to her. Then you’ll be forced to wake up and look at reality. It won’t be pretty and it will be crammed down your throat. At what point will you give up? That depends on how much pain you have to go through before you decide to learn the lesson.

Based on her behavior, your girlfriend’s philosophy is that men are to be used, abused and strung along until there’s nothing left to take, then dropped. Is this the part you’re in love with? I don’t think so. Rather, you’re in love with the sex and the emotional stroking she gives you when she wants something.

You think her attitude and behavior will change once you’re married to her? The only two things that will change are it will hurt more because you’re playing by the rules and she isn’t. And you’ll be legally responsible for her, which means when you get divorced you’ll have to pay alimony.

What puzzles me is why you want a steady diet of this. And you must want it because you keep going back for more.

Take away the great sex and the emotional pleasure and what’s there to love? I can tell from your letter you don’t have any respect for this woman and, based on her behavior, I can’t blame you.

I teach all of my students that the bottom line in any relationship is respect. If you don’t have mutual respect there is no relationship, only varying degrees of abuse.

What do you plan to get out of this marriage that you aren’t getting now? Love, Loyalty? If she can’t give it to you now, willingly, of her own choice, what makes you think a marriage certificate will force her to abide but the rules she clearly rejects, unless it’s to her advantage?

Now the reality check: There is obviously something she needs you’re not giving her or she wouldn’t be fooling around behind your back. This doesn’t mean you’re inadequate in any way. It doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you.

A very close friend of mine fell in love with a woman who was a hard core stripper (she’d made a good living at being a stripper for over ten years). I tried to explain to him he wasn’t in love with her, but rather in lust with her. I met her on several occasions and had to laugh to myself. She had fake boobs and a nose job. I said to him, "You’re in love with two pieces of plastic that have been inserted artificially in her chest." She had a drug problem and was a border line alcoholic (two common problems that go with the territory of being a stripper). I said, "Where do you really think this woman will be in ten years, in twenty years? If she lives that long she is going to be a really beat up, used up bitch. And she won’t be able to hide behind that body, which isn’t that great now."

You get along with her ex-husband. Why not use a method most women use: Talk with her ex and ask him why the marriage ended. He may have some valuable insight you’re overlooking because of your emotional/sexual involvement with her. The way she treated him is the way she will ultimately treat you. Now you know why women want to know as much as they can about your past relationships, why they’d like to meet your ex-girlfriends, lovers and wives.

What are you really getting out of this relationship? What do you want to get out of it? Can she give it to you or are you trying to put the proverbial square peg into a round hole? If you think you can change her, you’re making a big mistake. The only person you can change is yourself.

Let’s help you decide what the problem is because until you do that you can’t get any help.

It’s difficult to look at a situation logically or realistically when you’re so hurt and emotionally involved with someone who is stringing you along.

At the rate she’s going, do you really think her daughter is going to grow up with any kind of a value system that will help her cope with life, that will help her relate to a man as a human being who can be trusted? Do you really want to be a part of that?

My advice: According to your letter, there are other woman who are interested in you. Reclaim your self respect and date them. Accept that you will never have the kind of relationship you want with this woman and walk away. Stop letting your crotch make your decisions about what kind of women you get involved with.

So what do you do? You have a choice to make. If you want her back you’ll have to continue with a steady diet of this abuse indefinitely. Or you can reclaim your self respect, walk away with your integrity, and find someone who can appreciate what you have to offer.

Life is too short to settle for this kind of abuse. Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.

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