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How do I convince people I’m nice when behind my back they say I’m conceited?

Question:

I’m a single guy in my early thirty’s. I got a little bit of a wake-up call at work this week. My best friend there has quite a bit of rapport with many of the female co-workers (primarily because he is gay and therefore non-threatening to them), and is privy to most of the office gossip among our female co-workers. He politely informed me (for my own good) of a few things that people have been saying about me behind my back. Turns out I’m conceited and self-absorbed, two things I always HATED people for being, and two things that I’ve never really described myself as.

I told him, "Well geez, I try to be sociable with everyone, I try to organize after-work happy hours and other social events via e-mail, and 90% of the time I say ’hi’ to people when I pass them and call them by name, and the other 10% of the time I just say ’hi’. How does that make me conceited?" My co-worker said, "Well, just because you’re nice doesn’t mean you can’t be perceived as conceited."

I’m fairly crushed by this. My co-worker and I concluded there could be a few different reasons for this. I dress very well (Polo shirts and ties most every day, when most others wear jeans), I put a lot into my appearance, I’m vain, and perhaps there’s some things about my body language that contribute to it. He also said that most of the women find me attractive (as does he), and that that could contribute to their perception of my vanity as well. We also concluded that maybe a lot of these people saying this about me just don’t know me well enough. He also told me I spend a lot of time at my desk "chekcing myself out" (for the record, I’m a little disturbed that HE spends so much time checking me checking myself out, but I’ll deal with that issue later) and that maybe I could tone that down a tad.

Now, I fully admit to being vain, and I’ll also admit to being a little into myself. But I don’t think it’s the way people think. I’m not HIGH on myself, I’m ridiculously insecure! I primp in the mirror to constantly CONVINCE myself that, "Yeah, you’re not all that unpresentable! Get out there and realize that!" And once I am out there, I just try to keep head held high and be as warm and inviting as I can. Apparently this isn’t enough to deflate the vanity/conceit issue.

What sorts of things typify an unconceited, non-vain person? How do I create the sort of warm aura I am seeking from people? I don’t want to be shunned. There’s several women around the office whom I have always felt were a little vain and snobbish, but maybe they’re looking at me that way.

Answer:

You’re basically asking me two questions: 1) How do I fit in better at work; and 2) How do I get over my insecurity so the image other people have of me being conceited and self absorbed is replaced with one of warmth.

Let’s cover the first question first. Right now you’re dressing better than your co-workers. As a result, it gets you ostracized. With your wardrobe you have to ask yourself the following question: "Is it more important for me to dress better than everyone else or to fit in?" You can’t have both. If fitting in and being accepted as ’one of the gang’ is truly important to you, dress the way they do. Look at the other guy’s wardrobes and let that be your guide. Start wearing cloths that let you fit in.

On to question two. Your male friend is right: Just because you’re nice doesn’t mean you can’t be conceited. They are two entirely different things.

That your male friend told you several women at work find you attractive is an important piece of the puzzle. If they didn’t find you attractive they wouldn’t waste their time talking about you, unless you were so obnoxious you made everyone miserable. It’s also an indication they’d like to get to know you better but don’t know how or are afraid of rejection, so they put you down, which is the easy way out on their part (and an indication they won’t make good dating prospects. A good prospect would find out for him or herself).

If you’ve followed my column on a regular basis, you already know I am against going out with people you work with because it creates more problems than it solves. That being said, what do you do about it?

...vanity and conceit are based on insecurity. And the insecurity rarely has anything to do with the person’s physical appearance.

You’re absolutely correct, vanity and conceit are based on insecurity. And the insecurity rarely has anything to do with the person’s physical appearance.

Vanity is a result of insecurity, as is conceit. Rather than concentrate on the negative, let’s concentrate on the positive. What makes for a secure, confident person? At the root is a healthy self acceptance and self love. Not a narcissistic love, but a genuine caring about one’s self.

To solve this problem, I tell my students to make a list of all of the qualities they would like to attain. And then I have them write down the definition of what those qualities mean to them. For example, you want to be internally secure. What is your definition of "internally secure"? So, for your homework, you write, "My definition of internally secure is (fill in the blank)."

The next step is to alter your definition a bit by adding, "I am (and put your definition of internally secure)."

Write that statement down on a piece of paper, carry it with you and read it to yourself several times a day. It should be the first thing you read when you wake up and the last thing you read before you go to sleep.

Why? As simple as this sounds, what we’re talking about is changing your attitude towards yourself. William James, one of the greatest psychologists who ever lived, said, "The greatest discovery of our generation is that a person can alter his life by altering his attitude."

I’ve seen this technique work amazing transformations on my students in as little as sixty days. It works for them, it will work for you. It all depends on how seriously you take the homework and how closely you follow the directions.

Good luck and God Bless.

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